Working My Way Up From the Valley

So two weeks ago, I was following Weight Watchers like a person possessed. I worked out everyday, logged all of my food, and completed a challenge that my friend Diana had thrown down for me.....and I lost 5.6 pounds at weigh-in! It felt fabulous! Right on track for the new year.

Two days later, my 92 year-old grandmother moved in with us. Once again, I used a change in my routine as an excuse to not do what I should be doing for MY health. I haven't logged my food, I haven't exercised in ten days, and I skipped my WW meeting so I could get her ready in time for an event we were attending. I put others in front of myself...again.

Now, I don't blame anyone for this. I made the decision to have her move in here. I WANT her to be here. I'm just not doing too well prioritizing MY health. My grandma has just turned into the latest excuse I am using to sabotage myself, again, in my weight loss efforts.

How do I get past the mental block I have? How do I break this addiction to food? How do I get myself to enjoy exercise? I'm still working all that out. I guess for now, I will ask God for guidance and take it one day at a time...and have a healthy salad for lunch.

A New Day

Today is a new day. It is Easter and I have taken the day to reflect on the sacrifice that God made for us by sending his Son to die on the cross. The miracle occurred when he rose again.

I need a rebirth. I have decided today would be a great day to readjust my eating habits again. I am back to eating right and I exercised today. The first time in a few weeks. I took a nice long walk and listened to songs about faith, sacrifice, love, and commitment. These are the things I need to do for myself. To have faith that I can make it on this journey. To sacrifice things I think I want, but aren't really good for me. To commit to the process. And most importantly, to love myself enough to see it through.

I'm not promising I will blog everyday, but I would like to use this as an outlet when I am feeling like I can't do it, or when I need a push, or when my fingers need to stay busy doing something other than putting food in my mouth. I commit myself to never weigh 190 pounds again. That was my starting weight this morning.

Wish me luck on the journey and please follow and encourage me along the way....

Hello again....

Some of you may be wondering to where I have disappeared. I'm not really sure I can answer that. It's just that "stuff" has taken over my life. I don't feel like I really have the motivation for the journey most days. I will do well with logging my food and exercising for a few weeks and then I start to slide down that slippery slope again.

My current weight is 191.4. Three weeks ago I was at 184.7. YIKES! It is constantly a roller coaster with me. Last Saturday I ran a 5K in 36:01 and then I didn't exercise all week. My jeans that were lose three weeks ago, are now tight again. Why do I let myself do this?

Food does not make me happy, yet I use it to reward myself. I use it to fill the boredom. I eat when I am stressed out (which is a lot with my job).

I told myself that I would "treat" myself with a pedicure when I got down to 185 lbs. When I got down to that weight, I talked myself out of spending the money for one. Yesterday, I talked myself into going to the ice cream shop because "they will be closing for the summer soon". It was easy for me to spend that money. I don't understand why I rationalize things this way. I felt sick to my stomach all last night (while I sat on the couch and watched a movie)!

This morning I got up and weighed myself to see how much I had put back on. I knew I was going up again because of the way my clothes were fitting. I hadn't weighed myself in almost three weeks. All I did by stepping on the scale was validate the fact that yes, I had gained weight again.

I have to start taking better care of myself. I have to lose all of the excuses I keep making for myself. This truly is the hardest battle I have had in my life. My weight has been a struggle for me my entire life. The one thing I feel I haven't been able to conquer.

I am taking this weekend to really examine my ways of doing things. Maybe I need a different approach. Maybe I need some counseling. Maybe I need to stop blogging, get off my butt and get outside and exercise. "Just Do It" as the Nike slogan says. More to come soon.....

Day 224/250..Have you wondered where I've been?

Well, less than a month before we leave on our trip. Although I haven't hit the mark of where I would like to be in this weight-loss journey, I have lost some weight. When I started this in August, I weighed 200 pounds. I am currently at 184 pounds. That's not a huge loss, but it's a loss. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon. That's what I keep telling myself.

I am continuing to try and make small changes all the time. I am still wearing my Bodybugg that I purchased in January. I am writing down my foods (although not everyday) and trying to make good choices.

One of the problems I face is going out to eat. We do it too much and I make poor choices when we do. Our goal for this month is to limit our eating out and cut our spending in half from last month. Too many calories eaten and too many dollars spent.

We have decided to schedule in some activity on our vacation. That will be new for us. We are going to be biking one day, doing LOTS of walking, and visiting a National Forest where we can get in a hike.

Usually we just do the touristy things and eat TONS of food. I have never been hungry on a vacation. I am planning on listening to my body this time, not just looking at the clock for when it's time to eat again. I plan on eating "good for me food", not just "tastes good food".

I plan on enjoying every single minute of the week. I will be spending it with my husband for our tenth anniversary. He will be my focus of attention. I want to spend this time drawing closer to him and enjoying a much needed break for the both of us. Food just doesn't seem as important when you look at the big picture.

I'll post again before we leave so you can see what my final weight is before the vacation. Thank you for listening, and for following, and for leaving feedback....

-Pam

Day 130/250 A New Day

Ok, let me just say that this has been a rough holiday season. Cookies, candies, and home-made carmels and truffles have won the battle over me. But that was just the battle. They have not won the war...

This week I have really been evaluating myself and my weight loss journey. I am nowhere near where I thought I would be on this trip. I thought I would be on this new path to a healthier place. The fact is, I am at a place that is very familiar to me. The same path I have been on all of my adult life. Still struggling daily with my weight and making poor choices. Still making the easier choice of watching television or playing on the computer instead of exercising. Still cooking what's convenient instead of planning out my meals. I'm needing to do some soul searching.

I truly believe that I have an addiction to food. I think this is one of the hardest battles to win. When someone has a smoking addiction they try to stay away from the cigarettes. When someone has a drinking addiction they stay out of the bars. When someone can't handle gambling or porn or anything that can be addicting, they should remove themselves from that temptation.

With a food addiction it's a different story. You have to eat to stay alive. It feels like telling an alcoholic that he can't drink, but he needs to have just ONE beer a day to stay alive. You can't stay away from food. You can't remove yourself from the temptation.

When you go to the grocery store, you have to walk past the bakery to get to the fresh produce. You can smell the fried chicken from the deli counter while your standing at the seafood counter trying to pick out fresh fish. You have to wade through the bagels and white bread to find something made with whole-wheat. Then while you are waiting in line to pay, you are flanked on both sides by candy bars, sugary drinks, salty nuts, and hard candy. The grocery store is like a battlefield. Land mines and booby-traps at every turn, down every aisle!

So what do I need to do to start losing weight and getting healthy? I have to have my will-power and determination be stronger forces then my love of junk food and inactivity. That simple. Black and white.

I have to get off my butt and watch what I put in my mouth. That simple. Black and white.

I have to burn more calories than I consume. That simple. Black and white.

I have come up with a strategy, a plan if you will, to make this happen. I will be setting concrete goals for myself.

The first step is writing down everything I put into my mouth. Journaling is a proven tool for weight loss.

The next step is exercise. I have tried to figure out when I can squeeze exercise into my schedule. I have decided to sign up for core classes at the YMCA. I will be going to the Y on my way to work in the mornings so there is no excuse that I'm too tired. My first spin class is Monday morning at 6:15 am. I can still be to work by 8:00 am. I figure I get up every Friday already at 4:45 am to go to work, so why can't I do that on other mornings and get in a workout?

I have also ordered The Bodybugg. Have you heard of these? It's the cool little gadget that the contestants wear on The Biggest Loser. It tracks all of your activity and lets you know how many calories you are burning throughout the day. Basically, it's a tool to let you know if you are putting in enough effort for a weight loss. You plug your food into their website for the day, you download the info from your Bodybugg for the day, and if you are staying on track, you should see a calorie deficit for all of your hard work! I LOVE seeing concrete information like that. I am more of a short-term goal person, so I LOVE this idea.

I have also decided to join a challenge at work that starts on Monday. It's like "The Biggest Loser". There are six or seven women that will be weighing in every Monday. We are each putting five dollars into the pot each week. The biggest percentage of weight loss for the week gets half of the pot. This will go on for twelve weeks. At the end of the twelve weeks, the person with the biggest percentage of weight loss overall, wins the rest of the money collected through all twelve weeks. I love a challenge, and I'm just a little competitive, so this should help with the motivation.

All of the tools are at my disposal. I am getting my body, mind, and soul in sync so I can make this happen.

Well, my project for today is to clean out the refrigerator, organize the cupboards, and see what I have on-hand to start the new year. Wish me luck and keep reading my blog. I hope to be posting more often.

-Pam

Day 77/294 No more coffee

Does anyone out there know that I am addicted to coffee? Or should I say WAS addicted to coffee? I have decided to stop drinking coffee (at least for a while) and stop relying on all that caffeine.

It has been five days since my last cup of coffee and I am feeling better already. The first two days were really hard. I am in the habit of making a large travel mug to take to work with me every morning. This is my morning jolt of energy. Instead of a morning jolt, I had a two-day headache.

By day three, the headache was subsiding, but that habit of wanting a hot drink in the morning was not. So I substituted. I found a sugar-free, low-calorie (5 cal.), caffeine-free, Spiced Apple Cider drink mix that I really enjoy. Problem solved. No caffeine high, no dependence, no headaches. It's a win-win. Just one more small change that can have a huge impact over time.

p.s. Did I mention that I am sleeping better?

Day 77/294 New Exercise

Ok, so I need some motivation. I LOVE The Biggest Loser TV show and I always am thinking that I would LOVE to have Bob as my personal trainer. So yesterday, I was browsing around at Walmart and saw The Biggest Loser game for the Wii. Yes, I did an impulse buy and I bought it!

I set the game up today and it was really cool! You get to pick which character you are going to be (I'm Amy...remember her?) and then set weight lose goals, track your calories for the day, and compete against other contestants. Just stay above the yellow line....right? I did the first days worth of exercises and it was really a good workout. I was certainly working up a sweat! I will have my first weigh-in next Saturday....

I am trying to get back in the grove of working out as my weight lose-efforts have stalled. I have only lost five pounds since starting this journey. I can usually do a good job with the eating but I need to get my butt moving too. This program has you working out three times a week to start and I am committing myself to that. It has set a goal for me to lose seven pounds for a four week period. Totally doable if I stick to it.

My next hurdle will be the holidays. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for all of the gatherings, meals, parties, etc. that will be coming up. I just need to be in the right mindset going into it and I should be just fine.

Day 61/294 Exercise...

Exercise. It is the dirtiest word in my language. It makes me frown. I try and make myself do it, but the excuses just keep coming. This week I gave it a shot. Let me tell you what happened...

Tuesday I made myself go to the YMCA and take the cardio kickboxing class that was being offered. I've had this instructor before and I like her class. I felt great after finishing it, although my face was the color of a ripe plum. I was sweaty, felt like I had a good workout, and was feeling good about myself.

Fast forward to Thursday. I dropped the kids off at the Y and was planning on taking the kickboxing class again. I arrived thirty minutes before the class was to start. The instructor was already there and she asked me, "Would you like to try the abs class before kickboxing?"

Now the title of this class is Absolute Abs. Do I think before I speak? No! Why do I speak before I think it through? Still trying to figure that one out....

"Sure!", I say, thinking that my abs could use A LOT of work. So why not an additional thirty minutes before the kickboxing starts? I would do both classes. Sounded good in theory...

I was the only one in the class. The only one. A private workout with a women who's abs I can count in pairs of two. And me, who is carrying about forty extra pounds around the middle. This wasn't going to be pretty.

Five minutes into the class, I was matching my plum shade from earlier in the week. After five minutes, not forty-five. "How can my abs be so weak?", I thought to myself. I was determined to finish. I was not going to quit.

Ten minutes into the class she started modifying things for me. I think my color was scaring her. She would make comments like, "This is usually done with hand weights, but we are going to skip that tonight.", and "Let me know if you can't handle something...we can change it up for you." How embarrassing!

Twenty minutes into the class I was willing the clock to move faster with my mind. I was thinking, "Is this sweat running down my face? or tears? Maybe blood from my eyeballs?!?!?"

When we hit the thirty minute mark I felt like I had just given birth. My legs were shaking like jello, my heart was beating out of my chest, and my mid-section was still big and flabby. Even after completing that marathon.

The instructor then says, "Why don't you go get a quick drink before we start the kickboxing." WHAT? Is she NUTS?!?!? Does she want to have to call 911?

"Thanks anyways.", I tell her. "Maybe Tuesday again. See you next week." UGH!

I then crawl to my car, collapse behind the wheel, and drive myself home. Sitting behind the wheel for the twenty minute drive home didn't help the situation. When I got out of the car I almost fell because of the way my legs were shaking. What a mess...

What did I learn from this? Well, first, I'm proud of myself for finishing the class. Second, there is no way I am doing that class again anytime soon. Third, I learned that I am really in need of exercise. My body is so out of shape and I am doing myself a disservice by not keeping it in working order. Lastly, I am going to continue to exercise on a consistent basis, but not to that extreme. I don't want to discourage myself from doing it at all.

What is the perfect exercise for me? Only time will tell, but I promise I am going to keep plugging along, trying to find out.

Day 31/294- Slipping into old habits...

Why is it so easy to slip into old habits? If you know the habit isn't good for you, if you know the results of that habit are not what you want, if you insanely continue to repeat the things that got you to this point and you aren't happy, why do we do it? I'm not sure why habits are so hard to break....

Yesterday I was rushed, tired, running the kids around, and putting everything ahead of myself again. All I wanted to do was get home to watch The Biggest Loser and get my weekly dose of motivation. On the way home though, because I hadn't planned out dinner, I stopped at Walmart to pick up something quick. I let the fifteen year old talk me into getting fresh pizzas and breadsticks from the deli, which we took home to cook. If that wasn't bad enough, after my three pieces of pizza and super-large breadstick, I made ice cream sundaes for myself and Ron WHILE WE WERE WATCHING THE BIGGEST LOSER!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT PICTURE!!!! If Bob Harper could see through to my living room he would have been highly disappointed. Jillian would have kicked my ass!

I should give an update since I have been at this now for just over a month. I weighed myself yesterday morning and I have lost 4.4 pounds since starting on this journey. It's better than gaining, but I need to step it up a few notches if I wish to succeed at this weight loss thing.

On the exercise front, I found a new resource to help me. I purchased the Gold's Gym Cardio Workout for the Wii. It is a blast! I have done it twice in the past few days for 30 minutes each time. Both times I could feel sore muscles in my arms, abs, and legs the next morning. The best part is, it's really fun and there is a lot of boxing moves involved. What a great way to get rid of some of my stress. I am a punching fool when the music starts. (You get to choose from a variety of music to workout to.) When Eye of The Tiger comes on I am unstoppable...lol.

Next subject...wellness and relaxation. I don't get enough. Period. Planning to get away with the hubby one of these weekends to check out some cool hiking trails or fall foliage. Clear the mind as they say. We both need that and I think it would be a great way to connect with each other. We don't get enough of that bonding time.

One thing we are doing together is joining a home group. One of the couples that I met on my trip live very close. They are great people and have asked us to join their home group. We are going tonight and I am looking forward to it. Usually I don't like meeting a whole group of people I don't know at the same time, but I know a few so it should be fine. What could go wrong in a room full of Christians, right? Ron is willing to meet anyone, at anytime, anyplace. He's much more comfortable with people in that respect. He has never met anyone who wasn't a friend after a five minute conversation. He has a good heart and he is good for my soul.

Well, I am trying to get back into the habit of writing this more regularly. It, also, is good for my soul. I promise I'll be back in the next few days....

-Pam

Day 7/294 of My Health Journey

Well, today was the official first weigh-in day. I was a little scared when I had to step on the Wii. Yes, that's how I weigh myself. I figured its a pain to set up each time so I won't be stepping on it everyday. I had a problem with that when I had a bathroom scale. I was stepping on it all the time and was at the point of being obsessed. One day, Ron told me I should just smash it or get rid of it because I never liked what it said.

Well, that's exactly what I wound up doing with it one day. I took it out into the backyard, set it on the sidewalk, got a sledge hammer out of the garage, and beat the hell out of it. HAH! It had no control over me any longer. It felt so good! And of course, my neighbors probably thought I was nuts!

This was probably a year ago and I haven't really weighed myself regularly since then. Which brings me back to stepping on the Wii balance board this morning to get a current weight....

I am happy to report I weighed in at 2.4 pounds less than last week. WOO-HOO! I now weigh 198.0. Good-bye 200's. I will never see you again. It wasn't a perfect week, but I felt like I did a good job overall and that's what it's all about. I was able to fit in two days of exercise and I followed my diet closely. We even went out to eat twice and I tried to make good choices at the restaurants.

I also want to talk about the wedding shower I went to today. My cousin Justin is marrying Julie in October and the shower was today. I was able to make good food choices, had a great time with family, and even got some shopping done at the farmer's market on the way (can you say fresh locally grown produce?). What a great afternoon!

Well, I'll be back tomorrow with more thoughts. Keep reading...

Until then, Pam

Day 5/294 of My Health Journey

I'll get my complaining out of the way right off the bat and clear my head. This has been one of the worst weeks I have ever had a work. I can't believe it is only Thursday. One more day to go and I am looking forward to the weekend (which I may have to work if anyone calls in).....SIGH....

Okay, now I feel better....on to the good stuff.

So I spent some time tonight at Michael's with my daughter Brooke shopping for an art box. I started looking around at all the fun stuff they have to do in there and thought to myself, "Why don't I start a project? That will keep my hands busy when I want to reach for food." I checked out all the different yarns they had in stock and decided to buy a really soft skein that has different shades of blues and grays. Very pretty. I am going to start on a scarf for my co-worker Linda. I am thinking it will be her Christmas present so I will have some time to get it done. She has taught me a lot about the job since I started working with her in January. I'm thinking a homemade gift will be much better than a gift card or something.

So I'm thinking this project will kill two birds with one stone....one Xmas gift down and something to keep my hands out of my mouth for the next few months.

When I was looking at all the things to do at Micheal's I started thinking, " When did I give up on being creative? Maybe I should channel some of the activities I used to do when I was younger. All the stuff I really enjoyed like art classes at the Art Museum, dance lessons, playing an instrument. I mean I spent years playing in band and I think I would have a hard time reading music at this point. I used to love taking pictures and working with photography stuff. Where did all that go?

I was talking to Ron (my husband) last night. He made a comment about how I don't have many friends. At first I was pissed. But after thinking about it, he wasn't too far off the mark. I have been putting everyone else in front of myself my whole life. I have always done for others and I guess that doesn't leave much time for myself. Not much time to nurture friendships, not much time to enjoy the things I like to do, or used to like to do as the case may be. I know it's a good thing to have a servants heart, but I am figuring out I need to balance it with things I am doing for myself. If I am depleted of energy, if I don't recharge myself, if I don't keep my cup full, how can I possibly fill someone else's cup? I have nothing of myself left to give....right?

So we started talking about signing up for a dance class....I don't know if this is actually going to happen, but I'm at least thinking of getting out there and doing something for me. It's the first tiny step in this long journey.....

Until next time, Pam

Day 3/294 of My Health Journey

So today was a new day at work and it went much better than yesterday. I was able to leave by 3:30 pm and I thought... "What a great day to take Keenan for a haircut before school starts on Thursday. I think I'll get one too." What a mistake...We both left not liking our haircuts. I wanted mine shorter for an upcoming trip and shorter is what I got. YIKES! This one will take a long time to grow out. On the plus side I probably lost 1-1/2 pounds of hair weight...lol.

I was able to get in exercise today. I needed to drop off a prescription at Rite-Aid so I walked instead of driving. I'm guessing it was 2 miles or so. I will probably measure it in my car the next time I have to drive that way. I figured it was exercise with a purpose (not like all the health benefits aren't the real purpose...lol).

Well, not much to post today. Four more days until my Saturday weigh-in. I'm actually looking forward to it.

Sweet Dreams....Pam

Day 1 /294 of My Health Journey

Hello All,

I am a 40 year old woman who has decide to take charge of my life, my unhealthy eating habits, and my lazy ways. My husband and I are planning a vacation next summer and I would like to be in the best shape of my life for the event.

I have been heavy my entire adult life and I am a little scared to "peel back the layers" and discover the person that lies beneath. Will I have more confidence? Will I be more outspoken? Will I still struggle and feel bad every time I eat something I know isn't good for me? Will I stop feeling like the fat girl in the room, even when I'm not always the heaviest? Will my husband desire me more? Will I love myself more? Will I be a happier person?....

Let me give you some cold hard facts. I currently weigh 200 pounds (as of yesterday), I am 5'5", and I am clinically obese. I have a compressed disc in my lower back that discourages me from exercising. That's always my excuse anyways. I am also on Zestril, a anti-hypertension medication, due to my high blood pressure. These are statistics that I will be changing.

My goal weight is to be 150 pounds (and have a healthy BMI) by the time we leave for our trip. We are leaving in approximately 294 days. That's 42 weeks and 50 pounds to go. I figure I have a healthy goal of losing 1 to 1-1/2 pounds per week by the deadline. How do I plan on doing this, you ask? Let me tell you my game plan....

First, accountability. I am putting this out there for anyone that would like to follow my journey and watch me succeed. I am becoming accountable to all of you.

Second, Lifestyle changes. I am going to make small changes each week hoping they add up for a huge impact. I am already on the right track in that I don't smoke or drink alcohol, but there are other things I do that hamper my weight loss efforts. (More on that later...)

Third, exercise. No more excuses. Do I think my body will be better off just sitting around watching movies or actually getting up and engaging in some sort of activity? No brainer, right?

And lastly, inspiration. My mom lost tons of weight a few years back and has kept it off. My sister just lost 40-50 pounds over the last year or so for her wedding earlier this month. These people have the same genes I do. If they can do it, I can too! I am using my sister as my inspiration. She has a full-time job, has three boys (and a new husband) to take care of, commutes 30 minutes to work and back everyday, drives her boys to their sporting events, and still finds time to work on herself. She has made herself a priority. Let me tell you this...she looked BEAUTIFUL on her wedding day! She was GORGEOUS in her wedding gown! When I saw the pictures I saw a happy, confident woman. She looks at peace with her life....

I also saw myself in the pictures. I was the matron-of-honor...the only attendant standing up for her.....and I looked huge. What a shock! I thought the dress was pretty (and it was) but I wasn't happy with the person that was looking back at me in those pictures. I literally cried when I saw them. Big tears running down my big cheeks at how large I looked! I couldn't believe that I looked like that. I vowed right there to my husband that I was going to make a change. Lots of changes.....and this brings me to today.

Okay, the changes for the first week will be this....

#1....No pop at all. I am cutting it out of my diet. I am giving up diet pop also. I just don't care for the taste of it, so why bother?

#2...Exercise at least three times this week. I am going to write this into my day planner so I can schedule it the same way I would a meeting at work.

#3....Keep a food journal. I will right down everything that enters my body starting tomorrow morning. I've done this one before and it is really helpful to keep track of my calories.

#4....I will commit to weighing myself every Saturday morning and posting the results.

Well, I think that's enough for today....I will try to post regularly to keep myself accountable. Thanks for sharing in this journey with me....

-Pamela